Every day it seems there's something that reminds me that I'm past the stage of "getting older." I'm the old guy. I've been with my company longer than most of the newer employees have been alive. 3 of my 4 children are older than many of the people I work with.
There's sadness but no longer shock when someone from my high school class shows up in a death notice. Young to be dying, but also not so out of the ordinary. Heart attacks, cancer. People should die when they're 80 or 90, not 60, but better than 20-30-40, or even younger. We've had a life, married, raised children, seen a few grandchildren even. While it's a little early to be jumping off the merry-go-round, at least we had several turns. Grabbed at that brass ring a few times. Sadness, sure. But not the sense of tragedy and outrage of the young losing all their opportunities to learn and grow and experience this life and all its beauty.
I miss feeling light and fast and strong. I miss pushing my body and mind to its limits, wondering where those limits were. I miss the feeling of invincibility. Never thinking that I was one step away from something breaking, stretching, tearing.
It's winter. It's cold. It's overcast. There is snow and ice everywhere. The wind bites. The uneven, slippery ground makes that one step away from injury that much closer and more likely.
I ran 40 miles last week. Sure, 16 of those were on the dreadmill - the instrument of torture that now sits in the corner of the family room, taunting and beckoning me at the same time. It's safe and warm. It's mind-numbing and painful. How many runs - days, weeks, months - does it take to like this? Ever? Is there a way to begin to embrace it? As a young man whenever I complained of something being too hard or boring, my dad would remind me that it "builds character." I feel like my character is built by now, so what can I tell myself now to get through these mechanical sessions? Running in my 60s is hard enough. What happens when I've finished the final season of The Man in the High Castle? (5 episodes to go).
Outside for the first 3 days this week. Still at 6 miles and no speedwork, although I did go after the nominal hills on Wednesday a little bit, but the distance finally seems reasonable and the pace is starting to improve.
Holding off mortality just a bit longer.