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I'm in a funk. You should probably skip ahead to the next bloop

Keep Running Girl

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It's 42 and rainy with winds up to 30 mph and I'm walking through a crime riddled ghost town of a neighborhood to run a 5K that I have no idea if I'll be able to run.  I'm meeting Frenchie there.  It's his third race ever and he's been doing so well.  This one has a medal and I am determined for him to get a medal.  It's why I made him sign up and why I didn't tell him that 40's and rainy is the worst weather to run in.  It's why I didn't stay bundled up at home.  It's why I didn't just call it when my back was no better this morning than it's been for weeks.  

I pass by an IHOP and briefly consider getting pancakes instead of running but I keep going.  The amusement park on the other side of the street isn't helping my mood.  The bright paint and dead light bulbs make this strip feel even more desolate and foreboding.  The paintings of clowns and old timey freak shows put me more on edge.  I'm downright bitchy by the time I get to the boardwalk and see my friend.  I realize that I am quietly and unfairly angry at him for wanting to do this.  I want to blame someone for my presence here and it's easier, for that one second it takes to process, to blame him than it is to blame myself.  By the time I hug him hello, I've absorbed this and I'm all smiles and warmth.  He is going to have a good race if it fucking kills me.20191124_110853.JPG.219c7a7d70eee95c435a72f3b329dbbf.JPG

As I pin my bib on, I realize the bare truth.  I'd be here even if he wasn't.  Even if he canceled.  I'm here because it's who and how I am.  I am here because I have no choice.  It's cold and wet.  My back is screaming at me.  I've been in pain day in, day out for weeks and it's making me have a short fuse but here I am.  Who would do this if they had a choice?

Frenchie knows that I am hurting and joins me walking up and down the boardwalk, trying to loosen up my back as we wait for the start.  I tell him that I am going to walk it and that he should run without me but he won't hear it.  I tell him that this is his one chance to beat me.  He laughs and tells me he's just getting started.

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I wonder if I am still getting started or if I am winding down.  Four marathons dropped or dropped down in the last 12 months.  Every time I start getting some mileage under me, my back goes and I lose it all.  Every time I start feeling strong again, like the me that I want to be again, it's all lost and I'm back to zero.  I don't know why I keep doing this and yet it really is the only option.  Even now, as Atlanta is slipping away, I just can't fathom hanging up my Asics.  

The race starts.  Frenchie and I chip away at it.  Keeping it going at 12mm.  He's really working and I'm able to jog along, hyping the hell out of him.  I don't know why I am doing this but I'm starting to enjoy myself despite the misery.  My back is even loosening up the more I trot along.  We keep hammering away at the distance and I resist the urge to try to push his pace until I see the clock at the finish.  Then I pull him along just a few feet in front of him so he can chase me.  I tell him to give it the rest, to not let me chick him, to catch me.  I tell him how close he is to a PR and not to throw that away.  I tell him that it's time to go after it and my back is completely forgotten as we cross the finish line together. 
 

Before long, I'm back in pain as everything locks up again.  I think I know why I do this to myself and I think I know that I'm not going to stop. 

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“ In the garden, growth has it seasons. First comes spring and summer, but then we have fall and winter. And then we get spring and summer again.” — chance gardner

winter sucks. but spring will come. 

ps that cartoon guy is soooooo creepy  

 

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You'll get fixed. I know you will. Thanks for writing.

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1 hour ago, garbanzo a gogo said:

“ In the garden, growth has it seasons. First comes spring and summer, but then we have fall and winter. And then we get spring and summer again.” — chance gardner

winter sucks. but spring will come. 

ps that cartoon guy is soooooo creepy  

 

I need to move south.

PS  ❤️ That's Steeplechase Jack and not the creepiest rendition of him but far!

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16 minutes ago, Dave said:

You ' ll get fixed . I know you will . Thanks for writing .

Thanks.  I was holding off on writing until I could be more positive but I heard you were giving out pies.

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4 hours ago, Keep Running Girl said:

Thanks .  I was holding off on writing until I could be more positive but I heard you were giving out pies .

Come and get 'em.

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Ugh. I hate that you’re in pain. 
I love that Frenchie got you out there.

Your smile lit up your blog.

 

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Damn it. I wish your back was better.  I need to send you a private note now and then and keep up better. 

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Great job getting out there under those conditions! Congrats to Frenchie and his first medal. Hopefully you can get the back under control and enjoy running again.

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Skipping ahead to the next bloop is not an option, because it's my Debbie Downer bloop. Somehow we're both of us going to get healed. But if you find the secret to navigating the medical system let me know!

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That sucks that your back is not good.  Sounds like you actually had a good time doing that race, even if everything was going against you at the outset.  I find that when things look bleak for me, focusing on helping others sometimes turns things around.  Kinda like reverse karma backwards, or something...  Good luck going forward.

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On 11/26/2019 at 5:03 PM, Gonzo Runner said:

Jack / Tillie gave me NIGHTMARES as a kid . 

Lot warmer in Atlanta . Just saying . 

Haha!  Yeah all those teeth!  

But I'd need a car (she whines in Brooklynese)

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On 11/26/2019 at 8:23 PM, ocrunnergirl said:

Ugh . I hate that you ’ re in pain . 
I love that Frenchie got you out there .

Your smile lit up your blog .

 

Thanks!  I'm glad he got me out, too! 

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On 11/26/2019 at 9:19 PM, SIbbetson said:

Wait , Dave is giving out pies ??

Yeah but you have to go to his house to get them :(

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On 11/27/2019 at 9:27 AM, TreeGirl said:

Damn it . I wish your back was better .  I need to send you a private note now and then and keep up better . 

OMG I keep saying that about you!  There's so much to catch up on!!!

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On 11/27/2019 at 11:24 AM, Slow_Running said:

Great job getting out there under those conditions ! Congrats to Frenchie and his first medal . Hopefully you can get the back under control and enjoy running again .

Thanks.  I'm hoping that bringing up my rear might help with the back, too.

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On 11/27/2019 at 4:43 PM, gdionelli said:

Skipping ahead to the next bloop is not an option , because it ' s my Debbie Downer bloop . Somehow we ' re both of us going to get healed . But if you find the secret to navigating the medical system let me know !

I hate that you're still having problems too.  It's so frustrating.  I was told my back problem is probably from my foot problem (spending an extended period of time with my legs uneven while on the crutch and then persistent muscle imbalance) It's really frustrating feeling like I'll never really be able to get past it.  It literally blows my mind that there was ever a time where I took my feet for granted.

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On 11/29/2019 at 1:09 PM, Apple Pie said:

That sucks that your back is not good .  Sounds like you actually had a good time doing that race , even if everything was going against you at the outset .  I find that when things look bleak for me , focusing on helping others sometimes turns things around .  Kinda like reverse karma backwards , or something ...  Good luck going forward .

Yes!  Exactly!  I started doing C25K with my coworker and it's the most positive I've felt about running in ages!

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Uff da lady, I'm so sorry. I know how nagging aches and pains can just get to you. Hoping something happens and your back gets all worked out! In the meantime, I'm glad you are finding a little joy!

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2 hours ago, Keep Running Girl said:

Haha !  Yeah all those teeth !  

But I ' d need a car ( she whines in Brooklynese )

UBER. Or Lyft, whatever. Driving in Atlanta is a nightmare, the drivers themselves are awful, traffic exists for idiotic reasons like "there's a pothole", and parking is awful. 

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