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Getting Personal

NCAthlete

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I was hesitant to write anything about this, and it isn’t about running (until the end) or outdoor adventure, but I just need to write it out.

I am 37 years old, married with no kids, and am currently on birth control. But you’re 37, and married, and you don’t have kids yet – why are you on birth control??

I was pregnant once, a LONG time ago, but had a miscarriage. 99.9% of my female relatives and friends either have kids or are pregnant. I can’t tell you how difficult it can sometimes be to be me, at my age, with no kids. I’m past the point of being depressed/upset/angry because I don’t have any yet, and am now in a very comfortable place of it’ll happen when it happens and when we are ready. I am also past the point of getting sad when I’m constantly asked when it’s going to happen or if I even want kids.

I’d like to share a “use your fucking head” PSA, in case anyone isn’t aware of what you shouldn’t say to a woman (even if they are a relative or close friend – ESPECIALLY then):

  1. Do you have kids? If someone has kids, you’ll likely find out within two minutes of talking to them.
  2. Do you want kids?
  3. Are you ever going to have kids?
  4. Are you trying to have kids?
  5. Your clock is ticking/you aren’t getting any younger, so you better hurry up! This may be the worst of them all. YES, I actually have people say that to me.
  6. <while holding a baby> You need you one of these. When are you going to have one of these?
  7. You won’t look like that after you have kids or You only look like that because you haven’t had kids yet. Enjoy it while you can! Get the fuck out of here.
  8. You are so great with kids! You should have one.

There are more, many more, but these are the big ones. Just don’t fucking do it. You never know what someone is going through and these words could have a VERY negative impact. If someone wants you to know something like that, they will tell you. I hear that it doesn’t even stop after having a kid because people want to know when you’ll have another one! For fuck’s sake!

I decided to go back on the pill last year when I was still on the Denali team. I was that committed at the time to ensuring I’d get up that mountain. This led us to coming to the decision that we’d wait a little bit anyway because I just didn’t feel ready, and there were things I still wanted to do while my body was still in it’s current condition. Plus, we’ve also thought about the fact that there are SO many people in the world already, and so many kids out there who need parents. It’s an incredibly tough life decision – of course those who love kids would like to have one that looks like them and has their traits. I get that our bodies are made for reproduction, but the world doesn’t currently need more people (in my opinion).

Now for the main reason of writing this post: When I went in for my appointment to get the BC pills, the doctor told me how risky BC is for women my age (over 35) – something about blood clots. I got the pills but they turned out to be the wrong ones. I’ve been feeling very moody since I’ve been on them but just thought I might be going through an adjustment phase. I wanted to give them some time to see if it’d work itself out. It didn’t. This past week has been the worst yet – terrible mood swings, feeling depressed and emotional for no reason, and getting headaches everyday in the evening. I got home yesterday, with the intention to go out for a run, and started sobbing on the way home – for no reason. I got home and just curled up in bed. I couldn’t even force myself to go run. Enough was enough and I think I finally put the pieces together enough to realize it was the BC pills that was doing this to me.

I guess guys go through things, but I just feel that this is an ongoing battle throughout a woman’s whole life. When you have kids, your body and your life is forever changed (not all bad, obviously). If you don’t, people look at you and wonder why and always have to pry. Some days are just harder than others but you learn to roll with the punches. I am very happy with my status as the woman that I currently am. I am healthy, apparently look younger than 37, and I have nieces and nephews (and kitties) that I absolutely adore and can share my love with. I love them all and feel so lucky to be an aunt. I adore kids. I may or may not have kids in the future. They may or may not come out of my vagina. Only time will tell.

Well, I went in a whole other direction than just writing about BC pills making me feel so bad that I didn’t want to run, but I think all of this is really good share. There aren’t a whole lot of late-30somethings in my situation.

Please be courteous. Think before you speak.

Thank you for reading,

Chris

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I figure I have enough problems, I won't ask about anyone else's. None of my business.

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Girrrllll, I feel you! I can't tell you how many times I would get comments about when I was going to get married, cuz tick, tick, tick! It is so frustrating, and I catch myself making similar comments all the time. Now I'm woman enough to apologize and say it's none of my business. 

My biggest fear is these questions after future hubs and I get married and we are unable to have children. I've seen it so much with friends lately that it's weighed heavily on my mind. 

Have you looked into non-hormonal options for birth control? That was what I ended up doing after discovering hormonal birth control was triggering chronic migraines. Happy to share my experience, if you have questions!

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We're 36 and 35 and in the same boat. The Wife occasionally shares articles on social media about "Couples without kids are happier and live longer" or "Most parents wouldn't have kids if they could do it all again" or something similar as a middle finger to nosy relatives. She's put quite a few family members in their place over the years.

Ain't their body, ain't their life, ain't their business. They don't like it, well then🖕.

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6 minutes ago, Gonzo Runner said:

We're 36 and 35 and in the same boat. The Wife occasionally shares articles on social media about "Couples without kids are happier and live longer" or "Most parents wouldn't have kids if they could do it all again" or something similar as a middle finger to nosy relatives. She's put quite a few family members in their place over the years.

Ain't their body, ain't their life, ain't their business. They don't like it, well then🖕.

I never thought I'd be one of those people who would be happy NOT having kids but I'm leaning more and more towards that every day.  I'm waiting for the opportunity to say something smart-ass to the next person who says anything about it. There is a particular relative of a relative that I wanna say something to if she makes a comment again :D

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9 minutes ago, eliz83 said:

Girrrllll, I feel you! I can't tell you how many times I would get comments about when I was going to get married, cuz tick, tick, tick! It is so frustrating, and I catch myself making similar comments all the time. Now I'm woman enough to apologize and say it's none of my business. 

My biggest fear is these questions after future hubs and I get married and we are unable to have children. I've seen it so much with friends lately that it's weighed heavily on my mind. 

Have you looked into non-hormonal options for birth control? That was what I ended up doing after discovering hormonal birth control was triggering chronic migraines. Happy to share my experience, if you have questions!

Just pretend like you don't hear someone if they ask you a question like that, haha! I wanna do that so bad!

I had REALLY good luck with the last BC I was on but I made the mistake of only getting the estrogen ones this time instead of the combo 😱 I've talked to others who said that the estrogen-only pills also turned them into a psycho bitch. I have an appointment on Tuesday and I may look at other options or just get the combo.

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Preach! I'm turning 37 in April and it's amazing to me how many people are so flippant about asking. Why I don't have kids is between me and my husband. Kthxbai. 

In a kind-of-the-same-but-not-really-the-same, people always ask oh, does your husband run too? I know it's a "normal" thing to ask like the kid topic, but it definitely can be a sensitive topic depending on my mood. 

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As a single 35, almost 36 woman who always wanted to get married and have kids but hasn't, I hate when people ask. It's a raw subject. I don't know why I've never met a guy I even remotely wanted to marry. Guys in general don't seem that interested except for a few that seemed to think they could take advantage of some assumed desperation. Nope. People assure me I'll met someone when the time is right (or they say why not on-line dating, because it gives me massive anxiety that's why), but I am to the point where I'm pretty sure my time has passed. My dream is to strike up a conversation with a great single guy during a race or something but that hasn't happened either. Now that I'm in grad school, working full time and running, I have almost no free time. So there's that too. He'd have to be a runner if he wanted to see me...

 

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Sorry you get asked those questions. No real advice for you - some people are just oblivious, others are idiots  

It took my wife & I 10 years to have a child so we were there and went through all sorts of stages on how we felt about the struggles. It was a few years after #1 that we decided to adopt, and did. Then out of nowhere, along came #3 (my wife was 40 when he was born!). Youngest is now almost 10. But in looking back at it, we think whatever possible ending to our kid story happened, it would have been fine. 

Good luck on your journey.

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We were pretty sure even before we married that we didn't want kids, and never wavered in that conviction. I didn't have many people pressure me but one of the most annoying was a physician in a walk-in clinic where I'd gone for an ear infection. "Do you have children?" "Well, why not?" "Women really should have children." (I might add, he was from another culture, I don't remember what. But even then, he probably had gone to med school in this country and lived here a while.) I told him pretty bluntly it was none of his business. And then, after all that, he asked me if I was in the market for a primary physician - like I'd go to him. NOT. 

You sound to me very sensible about it all - but then, there are so many people who can't trust women - or couples - to make their own decisions. 

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I got asked once if I thought it was selfish that I wasn’t “giving” my partner, at the time, a baby.  

People are the worst.  

I had to stop taking the pill after I got a blood clot a few years ago.  I switched to a three year IUD and it worked really well for me.  After the first month or two I had no period, no mood swings and the longest period without a depressive episode in my adult life.  

I’m sure you are aware of all your options.  I only mention this because, until I couldn’t take the pill and was on an IUD myself, I had only heard negative stories about them.  

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we didn't have kids for several years, because we'd immigrated to the US and were kinda leery of having kids with no family around, also not sure if we were staying or going or.. 
After a year or so, I got a letter from my grandmother-in-law suggesting that I visit the gynecologist.. I guess the idea was, there obviously couldn't be anything wrong with her grand-daughter, so it must have been my fault..

in the end we had kids latish, I was 38 and then 41, my wife a few years younger.
I'm still not sure if it was the right thing to do..  but here we are,  we struggle on together 😉

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