Disclaimer: This post is a bit raw, but you get nothing but real shit from me.

I couldn’t sleep last night… I was tossing and turning and couldn’t get my mind to shut down. I had just read some really inspiring race reports, and posts of PRs, that happened over the weekend. Instead of drifting off into an inspired sleep… I was pissed off. I had a lot of things that I wanted to write down so, I got up out of bed, grabbed a notebook and pencil, and wrote this two page blog. Part of me didn’t know if i should post it all. Would I sound like a whiny bitch? Do I really need to say THAT? Will anyone even read this? So what. The point of a blog is to write down your thoughts, feelings, experiences, bowel movement frequency…basically whatever the hell you want. If no one reads it, fine! Just write it.

So it begins like this…

I’m pissed off…

I had really high expectations of myself going into this run. It was different to be nervous for a 10K, because it’s just a 10K. I was feeling good about sticking to my training plan (or at least getting in all of the runs), and I’d had some really great speed workouts that I was proud of. I’d looked at the race results from the previous year, and knew I would be able to competitively race this thing.

I started out conservatively because I knew how hard the hills would be for me, and I didn’t want to blow up. There was a stream crossing in the first half mile and I hear a lady in front of me say, “Oh wow. Really? Ok…” Do you NOT read course descriptions, lady? I blew passed her and even (unintentionally) splashed her a bit. I knew the hills were coming but didn’t think they were until later (I never found an elevation profile). Right after the stream crossing was Mt. Carbon. Shit. The Mt. Carbon climb was over a half a mile long and went up about about 200′ in elevation; that’s a decent amount for half a mile. I ran as much of it as I could, which wasn’t much, and hiked the rest. I was one of the first ones to start walking and most everyone behind me did as well. When I got to the top, I was spent. However, you run right back down the other side and can fly! BUT as soon as you get down, you basically start going up the second biggest climb of the race. My legs felt dead and my lungs felt like they were going to explode. I was already out of gas and I still had half the race to go. When I crossed the finish line, the clock read 55:xx. Yes! I had no idea what my time was, and was expecting it to be much slower. That was around the time I was hoping for!

I found William, grabbed a beer and pancakes, and sat on the ground to enjoy them. I spotted two guys, from the course preview run a couple weeks back, that I had hoped I’d talked into signing up for the race. They did! I went over and talked to them and then they came over to stand with us. They had mentioned that they checked out their finish times, so I immediately went over to look at mine.

55:43 Official time. 33rd overall…AWESOME! 11 out of 232 women….NICE! 5th in the F30-39 AG….. HUH?? How could I not have placed?! What the hell?

I brushed it off (or so I thought), went back over to the guys, and then we left shortly after. I got home and sulked a bit, especially after reading some amazing PR posts. I just sat there, not feeling proud of myself for what I had done. I was able to FaceTime with my BFF (Erin) which really made me feel better. I was over it. But I hadn’t dealt with it.

I got home yesterday and it was raining cats and dogs. AND it was cold. I was supposed to run five mile but was just not feeling it. I backed out and ran it this morning. Backing out of that run because it was raining just added fuel to the fire within my head.

While I was lying in bed, I finally replayed the events of the last 36 hours.

Let’s see… you’ve been training consistently now for what? Three months? THREE MONTHS. THREE damn MONTHS. You are pissed off because you didn’t place in your age group after training for THREE damn MONTHS? REALLY? You didn’t place because all of those other women were BETTER than you. They have most likely put in WAY more training than you and you probably didn’t even deserve to finish where you did. All of those inspiring PR posts that you read were made by people who have worked their asses off for MANY months, even years. Don’t you dare feel sorry for yourself. Get tha fuck outta here… 

I am realizing that I am being too hard on myself and am being too competitive. I’ve always been competitive and always will be, but I’ve brought it to the Monica Gellar level. It’s OK to be competitive but I need to give myself some time. I also need to stop wishing that I was 2011 inspiring badass Chris. Maybe I’ll be that badass again someday; maybe not. Maybe I’ll be even more badass than 2011 Chris. I just need to allow myself to get there at a realistic pace.

My new motto: Just run. And chill the fuck out.

I have a lot to be proud of and thankful for. Days like yesterday really can bring things into perspective. You never know when it’s going to be your last day or the last day you will see a loved one. My thoughts are with everyone affected by the event that took place in Las Vegas yesterday.

Thanks for reading…

Chris