Hi there friend, why the long face? Are you feeling a little down? Unhappy with your job? Having financial troubles? The news cycle making you want to gouge your eyes out and self immolate? We’ve all been there. Today’s world is full of stress and fear and depressing goings on every single day; it’s easy to feel hopeless. Luckily, you don’t have to face the challenges of living in this world alone. There’s a group of people just like you, fighting their way through life one day at a time. How do they do it, you ask? Well, allow me introduce you to the Church of the Hungover Angry Run(TM).
What is the Church of the Hungover Angry Run(TM) you ask? Well I’m glad you, uumm... asked. As a frequent congregant, I’m happy to tell you all about our community and how it’s helped me hang on for dear life as I struggle to survive the insanity we call “the human experience”. The Church is made up of people, just like you and me!, who spend each day on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Most of us try to deal with the crippling anxiety in a healthy way, by going to therapy or exercising or prescription pharmaceuticals with dangerous side effects or some other wholesome and healthy activity. But too often we fail, and end up trying to escape our painful realities through non-prescription pharmaceuticals with dangerous side effects and alcohol. We wake up with a dry mouth, pounding head, and swollen sense of shame. You know that shame, don’t you friend? That’s where the Church of the Hungover Angry Run(TM) comes in. We take that self loathing, anxiety, and anger at the world and pound it out on the pavement.
I know what you’re thinking, “But Brother Gonzo, it hurts to think, how am I possibly going to run???” Hahahaha, well Jimmy, I didn’t say it was going to be easy. But I will say that through the suffering, you will find redemption. Lace up those shoes, wipe that smeared mascara off your cheeks (you too guys), pop some ibuprofen, and drag yourself out the door. You will hurt, your sweat will smell like a fraternity basement, and you will probably vomit. Several times. But those disgusting eliminations and discharges will carry with them all the poisons rotting your body and soul. All the anger, all the fear and anxiety, all the stress and shame will pass from you as you focus on finding a hedge or alleyway no one is watching to have a violent emergency bathroom break. You will be expelling pure evil from your pores and other bodily orifices, and when you finish, you will say to yourself “If I can survive a 3 mile run puking in every unattended trash can I pass, I can surely survive whatever bullshit this world can throw at me today!” That, my brothers and sisters, is the power of the Church of the Hungover Angry Run(TM).
Now, while you’re welcome to attend services with us, in order to become a full member there are several sacraments in which congregants must partake. These involve embarking on a hungover, angry run after the following life events:
- Ending of a romantic relationship
- Waking up and realizing you drunk-dialed an ex
- Waking up and realizing you drunk booty called an ex
- A work happy hour where you awkwardly hit on a coworker’s/boss’ wife/girlfriend
- Quitting/being fired from a job
- An existential “What am I doing with my life” crisis
- Your child telling you how much they hate you
- Watching cable news for too long
- Attending an Irish wake
Like many Churches, we observe several High Holy days. These celebrate instances when times of great stress and occasions for binge drinking intersect, and the likelihood of spending a teary booze-soaked Uber ride praying you get home before the pitcher of sangria comes back up is highest. Those are the times we need the Church the most, and the times when the Church is there for us. Our High Holy days are:
- January 1 (The Feast of the Failed Resolution) - services commemorate the passing of another year devoid of accomplishment and remembering unfulfilled goals for personal growth and development
- March 18 (The Feast of Green Dye No 3) - to seek atonement for the shallow misappropriation of another culture’s rich traditions
- May 6 (Día de Sentirse Como Los Muertos) - also to seek atonement for the shallow misappropriation of another culture’s rich traditions
- Thanksgiving (All Ex’ Day) - a day of trying to figure out what unresolved issues led you to hook up with your high school/college ex while back in your hometown on Thanksgiving Eve
There are also special services, some on set days and some to be attended as needed by the congregant. These include:
- February 15 (Lonely Hearts Day) - a day of contemplation on why the coworker, friend, or relative with the crippling social awkwardness/offensive body odor/lack of gainful employment/excessive body hair has a romantic life partner and you don’t. This service can also be held on the day after a wedding in which you sat at the singles table.
Family Day - can be celebrated after any large family gathering. Includes time for reflection on uncomfortable family discussions around:
- Why certain conservative/liberal family members accuse you of being a communist/terrorist/fascist
- Why you’re not married
- When you’re having children
- The usefulness of your college degree in your current profession and how the student loans can’t be helping the fact you're not married or childless
- Why that cousin with the basket weaving degree makes more than you with your PhD in mechanical engineering
- Failure of Humanity Day - a day of mourning and reflection after the latest horrific and tragic preventable loss of life in favor of politics and money
Like any Church, we also have our sacred scriptures. These include:
- Born to Run
- Once a Runner
- What I Talk About When I Talk About Running
- Daniels’ Running Formula
- The Joy of Mixology
- The Collected Poems of Dylan Thomas
Unlike most Churches, however, we don’t have hymns or sing much. Singing and hangovers rarely mix, after all.
And lastly, what would a Church be without the breaking of bread together as a congregation? Our traditional communal meal consists of bagel sandwiches and bloody marys, however each local congregation may choose an equally appropriate meal consistent with local traditions.
I hope you found this informative, and look forward to seeing you at our next service! They start every morning promptly at
6am 7am 8am 8:30am 8:45am ugh fuck it we’ll be calling in sick to work and going at 9:15am. Welcome to the Church of the Hungover Angry Run(TM)!